Here With Me Now
by LucyCrewe11
Summary: A fic loosely based on/inspired by the song "Here with me now". It's about Susan forgeting Narnia, ignoring her silbings, missing them, and learning to believe again-sort of.


**AN: This is my first ever song fic. I hope I did it right. The Song is: "Here with me now" by the clique girlz. I know the song is kinda upbeat for a sad Susan-fic but the words of the song struck me as kinda sad and well Susan-like. So I used it. If you haven't already heard the song, it's pretty easy to find on youtube. I put a link up on my profile for anyone who wants to hear it. So anyway, this is pretty much just about Susan's change from Narnian Queen to No longer being a friend of Narnia and how she feels when she looses her siblings in the railway crash. Rated T for strongly implied drinking and partying. Enjoy! **

_I could tell you anything at all. _

_You never laugh at me._

_Didn't have to look before I'd fall._

_Cuz you'd always catch me._

Fifteen year old Susan Pevensie knew she could always rely on her siblings. Even after she started to change.

The first time she suggested Narnia wasn't real, that it was just a game they'd all played as children, Lucy had very nearly burst into tears, Peter gaped at her in disbelief, and Edmund clenched his jaw tightly together unsure of how to react. He wanted to pull his sister close to him and never let her go, just to hold on to Susan before she became someone he didn't know, someone he now saw she was destined to become.

Even when Susan became more glamorous than sensible, more giddy than the voice of reason, and more charming than gentle, they still loved her. They still listened when she needed it.

One dark night when she came home from a party with blisters on her feet from her high heels, mascara running down her face from crying, and not completely in her right mind, Peter was waiting for her at the front door.

"Su, you're late." Peter started-motioning to the grandfather clock behind him-before he saw the look on her face. "Do you have any ide-by the Lion, what's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Susan sobbed as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

"Shh..it's alright...." Peter whispered into her hair, trying to comfort her.

"No it's not. I can't do this anymore." Susan slurred, almost falling over.

She's been drinking, Peter realized feeling sick to his stomach, I knew those stupid friends weren't a good influence on her.

She wasn't drunk but she had clearly still drank a little more than was good for her.

Peter led her into the living room and sat her down on the couch beside him. "Susan, what happened?"

"The girls started a rumor about me-but I don't care-...I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to live the rest of my life like this...I don't want to forget...but I can't remember, I can't stand it. It's killing me. It hurts too much." Susan's voice trailed off. "I miss Narnia, Peter...I miss it so much." she thrust her face into his chest and cried harder.

"Susan?" Edmund came out of his room which was closer to the living room than any of the other bedrooms in the house.

Peter lifted his finger to his lip signaling for Edmund not to say anything. Edmund nodded, Susan was having one of her rare mood swings where she lost control of her emotions. They didn't happen often and she only took these fits in front of Peter and Edmund, never in front of their parents or Lucy. Not little Lucy whom she felt she had to protect. She didn't want Lucy to see her when she couldn't handle the life she had made for herself. The one she spend most of the time pretending to love. Susan was a great actress but every once in a while the Queen she still was in the core of her heart, yelled cut and she collapsed.

Edmund sat down on the other side of Susan, rested his head on her shoulder, and took one of her hands in his. "You'll be alright, Su. You're so much stronger than you know. You'll be fine, I promise."

_Anything I did I had a friend_

_And you always had me_

_And we made a pact until the end _

_together we'd always be._

One rainy day after sixteen year old Susan Pevensie returned from America it seemed like everyone else had plans except her. Peter and Edmund were on a visiting a friend of the professors who lived in the city, an old woman named Polly Plummer. Her mum and dad were having tea at one of their friends houses. Lucy was-well actually Lucy was in the house too. She wasn't doing anything either. She was looking at the rain pattering against her bedroom window.

It was then that Susan realized she hadn't spent much time with her little sister lately. Suddenly she heard an old conversation from a repressed memory playing in her head.

-Standing by a stream. "I'm sorry I'm like that." Looking down sadly. "We used to have fun together...didn't we?"

Lucy answers with a laugh, "Yes, before you got boring!"-

I've gotten boring again, Susan decided, Well just for today I'm not going to be like that.

She walked into the family's old play room from when they were small. She looked passed the shelves of teddy bears, dolls, and plastic solders to the little white cupboard where they kept the painting supplies. She took out every colourful thing she could find and the biggest sheets of paper she could locate. Tucking all of this under one of her arms, Susan walked over to Lucy's room.

"Want to have a bit of fun today?" Susan asked, smiling at Lucy who was beaming up at her with this adorably shocked look on her face.

At first they painted quietly using the brushes, not saying much. They didn't have a lot in common anymore. Lucy didn't go to events or care much for lipstick so they couldn't talk about that. Susan didn't want to think-much less talk about-Narnia. It was just pretty game they had played as children.

Remembering her resolve not to be boring just this once, Susan flicked a bit of paint at Lucy.

"Hey!" Lucy laughed, flicking some back.

Susan didn't remind her to be careful not to make a mess. She didn't say, "Mum will be furious." She just laughed and flicked more. a full blown paint-fight raged for a glorious half-and-hour. During that time, Susan could be a child again without embarrassment. Just two little girls playing together. They spend the rest of the afternoon in a desperate laughter-filled rush to get the house clean before anyone came home.

"Goodnight, Su." Lucy had yawned that night as she fell asleep. "I love you."

"I love you too, Lu." Susan whispered. No matter how different they became, they would always be friends. And that was something Susan felt she would never have to worry about loosing after all.

_But now I'm gone_

_But now that I'm gone, girl tell me..._

_Are you moving on?_

_Are you moving on without me?_

Seventeen year old Susan Pevensie grew numb to everything. To her siblings pleas and comforts. To Lucy's sweetness. To Peter and Edmund's worry. To everything. She didn't care to know what they filled their days with anymore. She didn't bother to learn. She only knew what she heard from people who were not as close to her siblings as she herself had once been. Once she moved out of the house into her own apartment she rarely even bothered to touch base with them.

"Your younger sister spends a lot of time with that old professor now." One of her old teachers said. "Do you think she's going to follow in Peter's footsteps and work towards a unverstisty?"

"I don't know." Susan mumbled, getting onto the subway (She had met the teacher on her way there).

"Is it true that your younger brother made the rugger team?" her friend Janet asked. "I hear he's really good. What was his name again? Edwin, Edward, Edmond?"

"Edmund." Susan corrected her without bothering to look up from the rest room mirror she was using to apply her lipstick.

"I was close." Janet shrugged.

_I'm living life, I'm feeling fine_

_and I got all that I wanted _

_I rocked the world, yeah with my girls_

_But we don't ever flaunt it_

A nineteen year old Susan Pevensie was sitting in her apartment on the phone talking to the friends she had just gone out with the other night. (These weren't the same friends she'd had last year. Friends seemed to be coming and going. Like clothes or shoes. New ones in, old ones out. Over and over again).

"How rich is he?" He friend squealed in the phone after hearing that Susan had gotten a date with a wealthy boy.

"I don't know." Susan said modestly. "I didn't ask. I didn't even know he was rich until Lisa said so."

"Sure, whatever." Her friend giggled. "You don't brag as much as you used to."

"I guess not." Susan admitted, realizing her friend was right. "I guess I really am growing up."

_But there's something that will always get me down_

_Why aren't you here with me now?_

A twenty-one year old Susan Pevensie dressed in a long black mourning gown with a black mesh veil sliding over to one side of her face, stood in a grave yard looking at the memorial stones all lined up in one plot. Most of them were family but even those who weren't were there too because they'd all died together anyway.

The year was 1949, the infamous railway accident had taken place only three weeks ago.

Lucy, Peter, Edmund, her parents, the professor, Polly, her cousin, her cousin's friend: Jill, all of them were gone in the blink of an eye.

Her job assistant had told her one day before the crash that Edmund had left a message for her; that it was very important and to please call him back as soon as she got the chance. Susan nodded, forgetting right then and there to actually call him. She never heard what he had to say. She never knew what he and Peter were going to be digging up dressed as workman and she never learned why. Worst of all, she never even got to speak to any of them one last time. She knew then that she'd give anything just to hear them calling her name just once more.

_I remember something everyday_

_I'm always quoting you_

_Like the way we laugh or things you'd say_

_Cuz it's always so true_

A twenty-three year old Susan Pevensie sat at a cafe with her most recent group of associates. They took turns telling stories about different moments their lifetimes. One of them mentioned the time he'd forgotten his electric torch at a friend's house in America and didn't realize it until he was back home in England.

Susan placed down the cup of tea she had just brought up to her lips and whispered, "Bother, I've left my new torch in Narnia."

"Alrighty then." The others looked blinked at her in confusion.

Susan shook her head. She didn't care if they got it or not. She said for her own benefit not theirs. It felt good to think of her little brother once in a while.

_Everything you dream, I dream for you_

_and you always had me_

_And I know you felt the same way too_

_Together we'd always be_

Twenty-five year old Susan Pevensie slept peacefully in her new home. Uncle Harold had decided she was still a bit too depressed about the loss of her family and hoped that paying for her to leave the apartment and get a new house and a new life might remind her that she could start anew.

It didn't. Susan still dreamed about her siblings every night. That was why she as so peaceful. Her fingers curled around what she thought in her dream to be her eldest brother's hand but was really just the bedclothes. She saw the four of them living happily wearing golden crowns on their heads having every luxury and happiness they'd ever wanted. And they were pulling her along with them. They weren't leaving her behind after all.

_But now I'm gone_

_but now that I'm gone, girl tell me_

_Are you moving on?_

_Are you moving on without me? _

_I'm living life, _

_I'm feeling fine _

_and I got all that I wanted_

_I rocked the world,_

_yeah with my girls_

_But we don't ever flaunt it_

_But there's something that will always get me down_

_Why aren't you here with me now?_

Twenty-nine year old Susan Pevensie was riding along with a few friends in their car. They happened to go by a familiar graveyard.

"Can you stop here?" Susan asked them.

"Why?" One of them answered.

"Please." Susan said simply and a little sharply. "I just want to go in there."

"Fine." They stopped the car.

Susan had to crawl over a few legs to get out but she managed in the end. She closed the door gently behind her, knowing better than to slam it. "Don't wait up for me."

_And I know that you're feeling the same_

_And like I traded you for the fame_

_And you probably think that I wont be back again._

Susan took three steps towards the graveyard's iron fence. She gently reached up and placed her slim white hand on the cold steel handle.

_And the thought's always on my brain_

_Drives me insane_

_Cuz you got to know,_

_I'm out here_

_I'm living life, _

_I'm feeling fine_

_and I got all that I wanted_

_I rocked the world yeah with my girls_

_But we don't ever flaunt it. _

Ever so slowly, Susan started to lift the latch. It felt strangely heavy. Almost too heavy. What if she couldn't get it open? No, she had to. She had the strangest feeling about this place right now. It wasn't an ordinary graveyard, not right now it wasn't. It was a magical doorway. She believed in them again. But she wouldn't let herself look for them. If she did, she knew she wouldn't find them. For now she was just trying to visit her siblings graves.

_But there's something that will always get me down_

_why aren't you here with me now?_

_Why aren't you here with me now?_

_Why aren't you here with me now? _

With a squeak, the latch lifted and turned to gold under her hand. Susan didn't make a sound although in her heart, she gasped. She didn't see a graveyard in front of her. Only a beautiful valley with colours and sights that were like the childhood games she had played but real, very real. Rich and deep like a mirror's reflection. In the distance, she thought she saw two boys and a girl with golden crowns on their heads with their arms stretched out to her.

To get to them she only had to walk across a ridge. It was a long ridge but not longer than the journey she had already taken.

_Here with me now_

**AN: Please, please review. I'm just dying to know how I did with my first song-fic! **


End file.
